The Concept of Deserving
What does it mean when someone says you don’t “deserve” something? My friend recently said this of my boyfriend, who is broke. Yes, I’ve done it again. I’ve hooked up with a broke motherfucker. He treats me well and all, but he makes barely above minimum wage and has been failing to get a better job. Not like I’m rolling in it myself, but I’m doing moderately better than he is. This means I pick up some of the slack when it comes to expenses — a lot of gas used and never reimbursed for — and if I had the money to burn, I wouldn’t mind at all. Sometimes I struggle with being overly generous with my money. But I make $35K a year and I don’t have a ton left over at the end of the month. I need to be watching my pennies and it’s been hard to do while maintaining our lifestyle together. If I were smart, we’d sit around the house all the time and stare at the walls to save money on going out.
My friend said I deserve better. I don’t like this, though. Why does it not matter that he treats me well just because he’s broke? Technically I should be independent and able to fend for myself financially. That’s what my mother taught me to do my whole life — to not make the same mistake she did of relying entirely on a man to bring in a paycheck.
Yes, I’m a very worthy person. I deserve a great partner. But I’d hate for someone to reject me just because of my financial status. I have plenty of debt, for example — what if someone used that as a reason not to be with me? I’m more able than most to look past superficial things like finances and see a person’s soul. My boyfriend is a good person, through and through. Even if he doesn’t end up being The One, I doubt I’ll ever hate him. He’s just a regular, good-hearted guy. We laugh a lot together. I greatly appreciate that about him, being so neurotic myself.
I like to think of people more as equals, and I think the concept of “deserving” or not deserving someone as a partner implies that some people are better than others. I think that’s the wrong attitude to take in life. I have always been accepting of other people’s flaws because I have many flaws of my own and wouldn’t want people to shun me because of that. I view my bipolar disorder as a liability for me in the dating world and am glad I have found someone who is okay with it. That’s one of my flaws — and I’d be alone if someone didn’t accept that about me.
I also don’t want to get into a mentality of the grass being greener on the other side. Just because my boyfriend is broke doesn’t mean I’d have a better experience with someone who makes more money. I could find someone who is well-off financially, but a total abusive asshole. You just never know. You win some, you lose some.
Right now I’m happy with my boyfriend and see no need to think about somehow better partners that I “deserve” more. I appreciate my friend’s concern for my wellbeing, because I think her comment about what I deserve comes from a good place, but I am not struggling with this one. I have chosen him as my partner and I hope he never goes away. We will make it through our financial despair together.
I know very well from past relationships that love is not all you need. I’m not that naïve. But with two mature people, you can overcome obstacles like not making a lot of money. (“Mature” being the operative word.) My parents managed to do quite well for themselves despite my dad being a blue-collar worker. They were smart about money, and were dedicated to their future together. There’s nothing saying that my boyfriend and I can’t have the same thing. I have yet to have occasion to truly test his maturity, so a lot of how well we will fare in time remains to be seen.
I just hope that he’s as determined to stick with me as I am to stick with him. That’s what love is — never giving up on each other.
