Sticking With It

Well, the 30-day blogging challenge has come and gone, and in that time I managed to produce 19 entries, or about two-thirds of the way to my goal. I am happy with this result. I am terrible at doing something every single day — I’m lucky if I remember to brush my teeth everyday — so I feel proud of myself for coming anywhere close to the 30 entries I intended to write.

I recently accepted a job offer that will more than double my current salary. The last time a job this great came along, the dream was over in three short months. I thought my co-worker was sabotaging me and trying to take my deals, and I did not communicate very effectively with my managers due to manic symptoms. I was terminated without even being given a reason. They just didn’t want to deal with my shit anymore, I’m sure.

So, I’m nervous. I know I’m capable of taking on more challenging work, but I worry about the stress. Currently, I can leave work at work and I manage the stress by taking PTO here and there. The new gig has “flexible PTO” which basically means don’t abuse it. But will they look at me funny if I take an afternoon off like I do now?

I keep waiting for the next bipolar episode to take me out. It’s been two years virtually symptom-free, excluding the constant low-grade depression that keeps me from showering daily and falling behind on household cleaning. If I can’t even do these basic things, how can I be expected to do what it takes to earn $70K a year? Things are improved, certainly — I no longer languish in bed for days upon end — I just don’t know for how long.

I made my start date awhile out to allow myself time for my jail sentence in Nebraska. I should be doing 5–10 days but you never know how the judge will feel. I’m sure my inability to admit guilt and lack of remorse will not play well for me. As far as I’m concerned, I committed no crime — that’s the whole point of these attorney negotiations and showing my medical records. To get out of the charges.

The background check is taking awhile to clear, so I’m of course paranoid that this is all a dream, and there’s no way a great job that pays over $70K with benefits would want me with my checkered past. I’m immediately on the defensive with them, wanting to provide any documentation I can to prove my employment history and accomplishments. At this rate it won’t be settled by the time I leave for Nebraska.

Which is tomorrow. The trip there will be difficult to manage. The Greyhound stops frequently and I don’t know the quality of sleep I’ll get, and my meds knock me out for awhile. Trying to get up a couple of hours after taking them is next to impossible, but I think that’s what I’ll have to do. I’ll have two nights alone in a motel room downwind from a meat processing plant, so that should be pleasant as well. I’ll likely just be glued to my phone the entire time, as per usual. Soaking up my precious internet while I still can…