Press 0
I spend a great deal of time on the phone — it’s what I do for a living — so I’ve had ample opportunity to analyze how phone menus can be improved for efficiency’s sake. Those directories that tell you to push a button for a specific option? Yeah, those. They usually go something like this:
Welcome and thank you for calling XYZ Corp. We value you as a customer and are glad you called today! Please note that all calls are monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes. Please listen carefully to the following menu before making your selection. If you know your party’s extension, please dial it at any time. If you do not know your party’s extension and would like to dial by name, please press #. For accounting, please press 1. For HR or employment verification, please press 2. For sales, please press 3. If you are a vendor wishing to do business with us, please press 4. For all other inquiries, please press 5 or stay on the line for further assistance.
Note the excessive politeness that just wastes time. You could eliminate many seconds from the menu by not saying “please” with each fucking option.
This isn’t even a particularly bad example, either. Some menus will give the full address, hours, and fax number (WTF?!) before listing any of the options. So every single time you call, you have to sit through a long ass greeting before being able to find out which option you need to press.
I heard somewhere that there are only 100,000 phone operators employed in the US, and after as many cold calls as I’ve made in my life, I sincerely believe I’ve spoken with them all. That’s because I have ZERO patience for these long-winded phone menus and most often try to bypass them with the 0 trick. When in doubt, press 0. You’ll be taken to a human who can help you in a more expeditious manner.
Some businesses have gotten wise to this, however. They have their phone menu set up to actually disconnect the call if you try hitting 0. The nerve! Businesses have long been trending toward automation, but to fully remove the option for human assistance is a bad business move in my estimation. (That’s a problem I had when I dealt with Lyft. There is literally nobody to contact if you have a problem. There is a FAQ database. That’s the extent of their customer service. Way to help out, guys. Funny for a company that claims to “care.”)
The above menu could be simplified to the following:
Thanks for calling XYZ Corp. All calls are monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes. If you know your party’s extension, dial it now. To dial by name, press #. For accounting, press 1. For HR or employment verification, 2. For sales, 3. For vendors, 4. For all other inquiries, press 5 or stay on the line.
They have to say the bit about calls being recorded for legal reasons, so I can’t cut that out…and it’s still lengthier than I’d personally like, but it does have to have some length so it doesn’t have an abrupt tone. Overall, much improved. Why can’t we start implementing more straightforward phone menus to save precious seconds?
I used to think these lengthy phone menus were invented in collaboration with phone companies to create extra minutes to be billed to their customers. Like it was a grand conspiracy to make all calls longer than necessary so that phone companies would make more money. That’s why I thought voicemails were so long. Those are ridiculous…
You have reached the ShoreTel voicemail of (617) 666–6666. If you would like to leave a message, press 3 now or wait for the tone. [EXCESSIVELY LONG PAUSE] Please record your message after the tone. Hang up to stop recording or press # for additional options. [EXCESSIVELY LONG PAUSE] If you’d like to send a fax, press 5 now. [BEEP]
The only information I need from a voicemail is the name and number I called. Nothing additional. Who uses all these extra options?! Do people regularly send faxes through ShoreTel voicemail that I was previously unaware of? Who are these people? Do I have permission to track them down and exterminate them for the betterment of society?
The multi-tiered phone menus always make me wonder, too. If I press 1, 4, 5, 2 will I end up at a different call center than had I pressed another combination of options? Does each individual option really go to a different place? Why do I need to tell you so thoroughly the purpose of my call, only for you to ask once we’re on the phone what the purpose of my call is?
THERE IS NO LOGIC!
