Just A Mood Disorder
When I’m downplaying my bipolar, I’ll say that it’s “just” a mood disorder. As it turns out though, to not know what your mood will be from one moment to the next ends up being pretty disruptive to life. On job applications it asks if you have any disabilities, and goes on to list bipolar disorder specifically, right underneath schizophrenia. It’s disabling, but it’s “just” a mood disorder?
I get depressed seeing people posting in bipolar forums about how to get disability (SSI). Is that really a life to aspire to? Living off of maybe $1000 a month? When I got rejected for disability, I just viewed it as a sign that perhaps I wasn’t disabled and it was time to get my ass in gear and work. So that’s what I did.
It’s been a hard road. My unstable work history has been like cancer on my résumé. But I’ve done the absolute best I could while this disorder wasn’t being treated properly. I’m holding a job now and excelling in it, but it’s pretty low-level and my prospects of advancing seem so bleak.
My attendance is probably my weakest point as an employee with bipolar. I used to have problems with oversleeping and rolling into the office at close to 10 AM. Now, on different medication, I have no problem waking up early and reporting for work on time, but I take a lot of breaks — more than I could if I weren’t working at home — and some days my focus and concentration peter out toward the end of the day and I’ll end up using a couple hours of PTO. I also suffer from ADD, so that doesn’t help matters. But overall, my energy as an employee is pretty low. Luckily I can do in 20 hours what another employee does in 40 hours. But imagine what I could do if I put in a full week?
I’m lucky that right now I have an employer who is flexible with scheduling. I don’t know what I’d do without that. People in the bipolar forums also talk about FMLA like it’s the answer to everything, but it’s unpaid time off from work, so not exactly ideal in my book. And it also involves revealing your condition to your employer. They’re not supposed to discriminate, but anecdotal experience says otherwise. I was laid off a week after revealing my disability to an employer, so I know firsthand that they can and do discriminate.
As an act of self-preservation, I do not disclose my disability in the job application or employment process. The ADA says you do not have to disclose until and if accommodation is needed. As a test, I applied to a bunch of jobs on Friday and disclosed that I had a disability. Usually I’ll get at least one bite on a round of applications, but nothing on this round. Please, tell me more about how people don’t discriminate.
My friend is publicly blogging about having bipolar disorder and I worry about her if she ever has to go through another interview process in her life. People will Google you and find that shit, and from what I’ve seen, people remain far from understanding about bipolar disorder. I want to help break stigma too, but I don’t want to commit professional suicide, either. So I write here, where I don’t associate with my real identity. I hide.
I have no shame, but I still hide. Another contradiction. I try to be myself, but only around certain audiences. Only where there is no risk of losing face.
