Full Circle
2:00 AM. Dark room, save the reassuring purple glow of my Alexa-controlled light. Why am I awake? Oh, right. I decided to stay up and take more Adderall instead of sleeping. It’s like I’m asking for manic destruction when I do shit like this. The other day I had a fleeting thought about snorting my Adderall, then I was like, nah guy, hard stop, I have a baby* now, I don’t snort fucking drugs that would be seriously uncool. Thank God I stopped myself. Thank God I have some limits. Now.
The carnage of tonight’s manic escapades? $4000 in credit opened — no, I still don’t have a job…and on the credit applications I exaggerated my income and lied about my source of income — and a $2000 trip to Disney all but booked. Ever since I found out I was getting $5000 back for taxes, the voice started in on me: “SPEND IT. SPEND IT. IT WOULD BE SO NICE TO FEEL GOOD FOR ONCE.” I can’t save worth shit. I’m too busy trying to chase a feeling out of my money and feel decent for a change. I’m thinking of seriously doing it all, possibly without Ryan. I deserve a trip.
So here I am being a degenerate, up for hours on end. Just indulging my desire to be alone with endless information and a way to write. That’s all that’s needed to keep me entertained.
I’ve been stable as long as my daughter’s been alive (4 years), but recently I’ve felt that stability slipping a bit. It started with the crippling anxiety that began as a trauma response to toxic management at work. Now, I’m withdrawing from normal life, feeling like I’m just “going through the motions,” wanting to be left alone for long periods, and extremely irritable with anyone who tries to spend time with me. So yeah, basically manic. I’ve missed a few doses of my meds because I’m struggling with a good way to store them and keep them with me all the time. It’s not easy when you take like 8 meds at various times of day and virtually always have a dose due.
7.5 years ago I went manic and barely recovered to tell the story. So I’m scared now. Of the medications not working anymore. Or of getting a little manic after missing a dose.
* She’s 4. She will likely always be referred to as “The Baby.”
