A Very Lonely Year
An accounting of friends lost to 2020, because I’m not sure where else to put it:
- N — Accused me of animal abuse with no evidence to back it up, so I cut her out of my life after 20 years of friendship
- R — Just didn’t respond to my email asking how he was after a long time of no communication (maybe I should have taken the hint?)
- Sue — Went psychotic and accused me of demanding gifts for my baby and now we no longer speak
- Shay — Just didn’t respond to my Facebook message reaching out to say I missed her and asking how she was
- Mike, Robert — Have not spoken to me since last year when they learned I was pregnant
- M — I cut this one out; he’s always been a negative person and I decided I didn’t want that in my life anymore
- I — Just didn’t respond to my email
- C — Fired me
- Noel — Ghosted me repeatedly after telling me how much he wanted to work together
- B — Refused to give me a positive recommendation when I asked for it (just didn’t respond to my LinkedIn message)
I mean yes, it’s possible they didn’t see my LinkedIn message and they don’t actually hate me. But it’s also very unlikely, all things considered. Or…perhaps it’s possible the guy who didn’t respond to my email legitimately didn’t see it when trying to catch up on his messages. I’ve missed things myself before. But again, with how connected we all are, and how instantaneous our notifications are, this seems very unlikely as well.
No. More likely is the harsh reality that I am a terrible person and I’m losing the few friends I thought I had. The friendship of 20 years that I lost was obviously the most painful. Why is it that I drive people away? I wonder this frequently. What is so abhorrent about me?
I’m not important to these people so I’ve decided to stop reaching out to all of them. No more of me repeatedly reaching out only to get ignored. If they want to reach out to me, whatever, maybe I’ll be receptive. But I’m not going to waste more time and emotional investment in people who clearly just don’t care about me anymore for whatever reason. I don’t know if it’s because I have a baby now, or what the problem is. But I’ve never felt more that people were leaving my life in droves and I wonder what is causing that.
It was about 3 months into the pandemic when I noted how little I had heard from my friends. Because hanging out in person wasn’t an option, they just went radio silent. Isn’t that the opposite of what you’d think? That people might have more opportunity to connect with friends in text (especially) when they’re sitting at home bored all the time? That’s not how it has ended up going, though. Not at all. And as the months have drawn on, nearly 8 months deep now, the months have gotten even lonelier. Almost all of my friend communications are initiated by me when I’m feeling in an especially chatty mood. When that mood eventually goes away as it always does, and I fall silent again, nobody really makes the effort of reaching out to me. It’s like if I want friends I have to be the one to keep that relationship going because they aren’t super invested in it to begin with.
Is it the pandemic making everyone go insane? A distinct possibility.
November is historically the worst month for me. All four of my arrests have been in the month of November. One of my worst breakups happened in November. My dad almost died in November. I’m afraid to know what November in the worst year ever will bring. Can it possibly be worse than what I’ve experienced already?
Tomorrow we begin to find out.
